Sunday, February 10, 2008

Want vs. Need

Knowing what I want in my personal life and what I need in my personal life and figuring out the differences between the two is the most difficult life task I have. But I have come to discover that not having a firm grasp on either is what causes my impulsive decisions and my erratic behavior. This uncertainty is the source of my emotional angst and my personal trials.

What do I want?

I want excitement. I want adventure and risk. I want Romancing the Stone, Top Gun, the Legend of Zorro. I want a bad boy, a diamond in the rough, who's tall and rugged and handsome and whose eyes speak to me. I want a little irreverence and I want a challenge. There's a part of me that wants to be loved only half way, as ridiculous as that sounds. I want passion, to be held as if he'll never let me go and to be kissed with reckless abandon (as they say). I want spontenaity. I want unending desire. I want to never be alone again.

What do I need?

I need to be loved, completely, in spite of, unconditionally. And I need to hear it often until I know it and believe it. I need to be considered. I need to be put first... not always but when it is important. I need understanding and patience and kindness. I need truth and honesty, a man of integrity. I need someone to be with me, to sit with me, to talk with me and walk with me in the rain or the sun… I need someone to laugh with me and cry with me and lie quietly with me under the stars. I need someone to experience life with me, to learn with me and seek adventure with me. I need someone to hope with me and dream with me and to make dreams come true with me. I need to be held as if he'll never let me go and to be kissed with reckless abandon (as they say). I need a friend. I need An Officer & A Gentleman, An Affair to Remember, When Harry Met Sally, Jerry Maguire.

So there it is, I guess. What I want and what I need... A portion of the "what I need" section was actually pulled from a love letter that I wrote and never sent. It seems I have always known what I need, I have just chosen to ignore it or hide it under that list of wants. The wants have taken precedence in my LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, wild and crazy life. A life that suited me in my 20's and even early 30's...

Suddenly, what I need has risen to the top. Finding and getting what I want has come so easily. I don't know that I know how to find or get what I need.

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