Thursday, November 10, 2016

My Hatefulness

Often, we fail to recognize our own hatefulness because we naturally, and sometimes easily, find justification for it.
"Well... but... look what THEY are doing. It's not worse than that."
"I said what I said because they said that other thing."
"I believe what I believe because it's what I know, it's what makes me comfortable, it's what my parents believed, I don't really understand the other sides, I just can't relate. I just believe what I believe."
"I reacted or responded the way I did because, in that moment, I couldn't see anything but what was right in front of me."
"I think what I think because I have never experienced that ANY other way but this one way."
"It can't be possible. I would be a horrible person if that was REALLY possible and I just ignored it... avoided it... failed to acknowledge it. It just can't be possible."
"OH MY GOD this is uncomfortable. NOTHING good can come of it... I feel like I am losing control. I AM. I am losing control. I can't see what is next. How can I be prepared for anything if I have no idea what might happen next..."
I have spent my whole life working to understand the experiences, beliefs and ideas of others. I grew up knowing that my normal was not the normal of others and wanting more than anything to explore the normal of others so I could relate. What is like me is fine. But that which is different is my preference. I crave diversity. I seek it out. I love it, in all things.
My hatefulness rears its ugly head in the moments when I am scared. Fear is my monster.
I am not often afraid. In fact, my mom has always said that the one thing that scared her most was that I wasn't afraid of anything at all. But as I grow older, I become more afraid. I become increasingly aware that I can't conquer everything, I can't fix everything, and I can't save everyone. Sometimes people will get hurt. And sometimes, I will get hurt.
If I allow it to consume me, I lose valuable time that could be spent continuing my journey of learning about people and loving people which is all I want to do in this lifetime. It is never my intention to allow my hatefulness to breach the surface of the loving, caring being I am purposed to be and intent on being. But it happens.
And for that, I am heartily sorry.