Monday, February 04, 2008


An anniversary... a date marking the remembrance of a significant event. Not necessarily happy...

This week marks 8 years... 8 years since what would have been the most significant event of my life and my greatest achievement. It would have been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream but it is now my greatest failure and the most devastating date of the year for me. And, while the tragedy of this week actually occurred months prior, this was THE date. It was the date that I anticipated anxiously. It was a date filled with hope and promise. It was the date that my legacy would begin.

For 8 years, I have been praying for new memories to fill the first week of February. I have been longing for something joyous to replace the guilt and sadness and grief I feel each year at this time. Or something happy to at least balance it all out.

Others don't understand why or how I've held onto this for so long. But others did not live through it. This is my personal storm. And getting through it, is so tough for me. I need those around me to set aside judgement and pull on their rain coats and sit tight with me, supportively. I need them to put me first for a little while and to understand, not how or why I've held on but that I can't let go and I can't get through without a little help.

This anniversary that was supposed to be so wonderful and amazing brings out the worst in me. It happens every year. It forces others to take cover rather than take my hand. It causes some to hold back rather than hold me. Some leave altogether. And the loneliness of the first year... is repeated year after year after year.

Here's to 8 years...

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