Sunday, June 25, 2017

In the Garden

"Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes." -Unknown

When I was a little girl, the piece of yard beside our garage was a little garden tended by my father. Small, round watermelons sprung up there along with big, juicy tomatoes and radishes and green onions. There were cucumbers and peppers and tall stalks of corn. Dad cultivated the land and guided the food to fruition. Sometimes, when everything was ripe, he would take us through his masterpiece and allow us to harvest parts of our dinner.

Early this Spring, I decided I wanted to try to carry on the gardening tradition. I had some rose bushes removed, tilled some soil, and started with seeds in the house that I transplanted after the last frost. It was a slow and steady process but now I have real plants in the garden. I am awaiting my first harvest. 

There is something so satisfying about growing things. Seeing it burst forth from the ground and reach slowly toward the sky. Watering, feeding, weeding... It's hard work.

I can't wait to taste that first tomato.

"Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty, and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity." -Lindley Karstens


It's Not That Deep

And then he said, "If it's not important, I just don't archive it."

Stunned, I sat quietly. Just 24 hours prior, I had spilled my guts, my innermost thoughts, and one of the most precious untold stories of my life to him and he failed to "archive" it. He neglected to commit it all to memory because, I suppose, it was not important.

Desperation and loneliness opens us to vulnerabilities we might have better avoided when feeling more secure. It causes us to reach out to people who might not have our best interests in mind or who honestly just don't care. And I was desperate and feeling lonely, missing my dearest friends who weren't around. I was desperate for my friendship with him to be more than just seeing each other quarterly and joking over texts and phone calls once every other month when we talked as if we were besties but... it really wasn't that deep.

Our relationship lived on the surface. After pondering for a while, I realized I didn't know what his favorite food was or if he ever had a dog or where he would travel if he could go anywhere in the world. I didn't know if he preferred Target or Walmart or how often he went grocery shopping. I didn't know if he could cook or why he really broke up with his last girlfriend because the stories were vague and full of his made up cliches that I, quite frankly, didn't even really understand.

There was a time when we were seemingly close, hanging out all of the time, and I thought, maybe we would be friends. Maybe we would eventually be more. Maybe not. But it was fun and stress free and no strings attached. Oh my God... It was fun and stress free and no strings attached.

We must be aware of what others have to offer and we have to decide if that is enough before we spill out the serious and stressful details of our life only to discover that it's not important enough to archive. Because if we don't, we might set the bar of expectations for everyone as high as we do for our best friend or our lover or even ourselves. And that leads to disappointment which is the last thing you need to pile onto a desperate, lonely day.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

All My Blogs

Since 2005, I have been blogging. Finding a way to express my inner thoughts whether others found them appropriate or not was incredibly therapeutic but I think blogging also really helped me develop as a writer. Over the years, I have crafted many types of blogs and some of them existed only for a season. But there are four that I currently maintain so I thought I would post them here for my followers. If you are looking for a little something to read, there are a lot of options. Also, if you are trying to figure out who I really am, this is a great way to do so. :)

As I Sing It has been up and running since 2005. It is a little bit of everything.
My Parent's Roommate conveys the stories of life in my 40s and living with my parents.
My main tumblr blog is probably updated the most. It's like snapchat that lasts forever. If you have no idea who I am as a human being, this might help
Finally, Thoughts Before Bed is not just the title for my Sunday Night FB posts, it is also a blog! It's kind of pretty and, someday soon, it will also be a book. :)