Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sad, Lonely & Doubtful

I struggle to reconcile loving my life with the desperation I feel some days. It's a desperation that I am convinced would be resolved if I just had someone other than this dog to greet me at the door everyday.

Shocking, huh? This strong, capable, successful woman who constantly preaches that women should not depend on others for happiness is now saying that there are days when she'd be happier if she had others to depend on. This satisfied single gal is admitting that some days she wishes that she wasn't single.

Sadly this is not my only sin. I hope my loyal readers won't hold it against me when I say that there are days when I doubt myself too. It doesn't seem possible that I could live what I've lived and still doubt myself but I do. I sit here and wonder if I can really do everything I have planned for my future. And I wonder and I doubt because of the days like today when I wish there was someone waiting for me at home. (And just to be clear... Because I know I have to be careful what I put out there... When I say I wish someone was waiting at home for me, I mean someone with whom I am in a relationship, not a stalker or a trespasser or any kind.)

A coworker calls my experience "the grass is always greener." We see the experiences of others and in times of sadness or loneliness or self-doubt, we project what others have onto our problems and see an instant solution. For example, I might think if I had a two-income family, I wouldn't be buried financially. When the reality is that if I stopped wasting money on a gym membership I haven't used in months and online dating sites that produce nothing but frightful experiences, I wouldn't be buried financially. The reality might also be that if I had a man with a job, money wouldn't be so tight but that is not necessarily the case. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess my point is that problems are compounded when I am sad or lonely or doubting myself. And what others have always seems like the route I should have taken.

I just know that some days it would be nice to have a sounding board. Or a hug. And if that makes me weak or less capable... well... then I guess it just does. And if it's a grass is always greener moment, then it just is. And if it's not meant to be then I will do what I have always done: I will get through it and I will carry on until I'm no longer sad and lonely and doubtful.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A New Season

Procrastination is my worst enemy. There are days when I have 5 or 6 ideas for new blogs but I wait to write them thinking I will do so when I have more time to flush out the idea. A consequence of that has been blank pages on this blog for far too long. So let's catch up. And let's agree to meet here more often.

A couple of months ago, I closed out my 40th year with a sputter. Looking back, preparing to turn 40 by writing a blog for the 40 days leading up to my birthday was the best thing I could have done. I mapped out the expectations of my year and they were grand and exciting. My 40th year fulfilled every expectation. I could not have asked for a better year. Everything I hoped for came to pass.

Self-fulling prophecy? Well... let's just say it was. How does that affect how I proceed in life. If I have the ability to plan for greatness and great things happen, why not do that all the time? Why reserve it for the 40th year of my life?

My 41st birthday seemed less important because it wasn't one of those milestone birthdays that typically receive a lot of fanfare. So I didn't plan for it or prepare for it or set outrageous and amazing goals for it. In fact, when it rolled around, I was depressed. I felt lonely and spent a lot of time alone. Hmm... maybe there is something to this idea of self-fulfilling prophecies after all.

The good news is that its never too late to turn things around. I have entered a new decade in my life. There are often days when I wish I could go back 20 years, carrying with me just a smidgen of the knowledge I have today, and live life differently. Instead, I am going to start from today and move forward. (It's the only real option anyway.)

In my 41st year, I hope to witness greater happiness for the people around me. I will sing more. I will laugh more (if that's possible). I will share in the joys of new beginnings. I will make dreams come true. I will continue to add people to my life who edify me and remove those who tear me down. I will LIVE LIFE instead of watching it pass me by. I will build up my frequent flyer miles! I will eat more fruit. I will have more love in my life than any year previous. I will forgive myself. And I will forgive the ones I blame for holding my back. I will look back on my 41st year and think "Ah, what a year!"