Monday, December 31, 2007


On the eve of 2007, I convinced myself that hopefulness was the route I would take into the new year. Reason upon reason seemed to stack up in support of my new outlook. 2007 was going to be MY YEAR! How exciting!

Years and years of good seeds that I'd sown into the lives of others and into this world would blossom into blessings. And a little light would shine on my life as goodness enveloped me.

The year didn't turn out quite that way. What a bumpy journey it was! There was some good which showed up in the form of people. Some of them were already in my life and they demonstrated their support and love and concern for me, reinforcing our relationships. Others were new arrivals but immediately showed themselves to be forever friends. If I had to live through 2007 once more, I would, but only to find my true friends again.

The rest of 2007? Thank God it's over. Time's up! Now get out of here! I need to clear my head and figure out how I am going to live from here on out. I'm thinking no more plans. I never stick to them anyway. And they are too hard to carry out when the rest of the world isn't on board. And no bold statements this year.

However, the beauty of 2008 is that for the first time in my life, I am starting fresh. I've got no man and no job and no place to live. But I am also debt free and I've got nothing tying me down. There's nothing holding me back, keeping me from really living anymore.

Tomorrow is just another day. I will wake up late, watch SportsCenter and eat something that's not good for me. And then I'll start writing my list. Not my list of resolutions. A great big "TO DO" list. I've got time. I'm gonna have some fun.

Happy New Year, y'all!

Friday, December 28, 2007

More on Chocolate... and falling in love

Note: I realize that I reference scientific studies an awful lot for someone who claims to not understand or care about science... but this is fascinating stuff.

Research shows two connections between eating chocolate and falling in love.

First, studies have found that falling in love may be less about EMOTION and more about motivation and drive. All the women out there are probably excited to hear this. We aren't merely big bunches of emotion when it comes to romantic pursuit. We are motivated and driven to be equally and perfectly matched.

Eating chocolate, often the result of a craving, is all about a motivation to satisfy and a drive to fulfill a need. It makes perfect sense to me since the object of both actions is all about obtaining pleasure and pursuing happiness. Which leads us to the second finding...

In many studies the act of eating chocolate and the act of falling in love showed similarities to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). No further explanation needed.

Laughter, Wine, and Chocolate

There's nothing like a night of laughter, wine and chocolate with the girls to elevate your mood and sooth your emotions.

It seems that every other day lately is a good day and the days in between... I could live without them. On Wednesday, I reached a low that I had never hit before and four women came to my rescue, bearing wine and offering comfort in the form of laughter.

At first the laughter came with tears... But by the time we reached the chocolate cake portion of our evening, the tears had faded. And I felt genuinely happy. And so thankful.

Laughter, wine and chocolate... when you don't know what to say to someone, you can always start with those three things. Eventually, the conversation will flow and the tears will stop. And a little happiness might creep into the room.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Astrology Debunked

Today was supposed to be an excellent day for love and friendship. According to the stars, I am a thoughtful and considerate person, always ready to listen to other's problems, and those qualities make me even more attractive and appealing today. At work, people people are supposed to be amazed by my optimism,my dynamic approach, and my discipline. (What else could they ask for?)

I spent the day alone. And as of three days ago, I don't have a job.

Before the new year, I promise to take inventory of my life and figure out what I am thankful for, other than being alive. But I don't have much to believe in at the moment. I can't even pretend with my damn horoscope.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Stupid Girl

For the last month, I have defined the term "stupid girl." I have become everything I hate. Hard to believe, I know. This woman who exudes confidence and preaches independence is not capable of falling into the traps of obsession and jealousy. Is she?

In an effort to understand this jealousy thing a little more, I've done a little research. Jealousy, much like guilt, is not something I have previously experienced. I read a lot of articles by well-educated people. I searched advice columns. Explanations varied depending on the situation but there were two causes of jealousy that resonated with me.

First, a fear of losing something often results in jealousy. Seeing someone to whom you feel attached with another person can stir a fear within you. It's a fear that your role in that someone's life could be filled by someone else. That fear is particularly intensified if there is a sexual connection or attachment. Experiencing a moment (or several moments) of bliss with someone solidifies the attachment you feel. You nearly lose yourself in that person. And we can all lie and say that it is easy to walk away from really good sex or that we can handle a one-night stand. But the truth is bliss doesn't come along every day.

Second, jealousy is the result of low self-esteem. If you believe that you are the right girl for a guy, you have no reason to be jealous or to worry that you will be replaced. And if he does leave, it's not always a reflection of you. He's just an idiot.

I've had enough of this stupid girl syndrome. It makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. I have exhibited a whole new level of crazy. And not the good kind of crazy. Until I recover my sanity, I am swearing off drunken nights, blissful sex and idiots.

And the storm came early...

Usually, the winter holidays reign supreme in my world. I relish the giving aspect of it all. It is the one time of year when I am allowed to go all out and give and give and give until my heart's content. Beyond a doubt, it is the happiest time of year for me.

It is also the calm before the storm every year.

Once the chaos winds down, all of the gifts have been opened, the cookies have been eaten and the parties end, I settle into everyday reality. I coast through January, a month in which I typically do some volunteer work and a lot of singing. And then comes February. The most difficult month of the year for me.

This year, however, the storm came early. Stranded on the island of nothing's-going-right, I watched as many of the people in my life faded into the busy-ness of the season as is customary at the holidays. And I struggled to thrust myself into that same busy-ness. Distracted by the disaster that is my life at the moment, I lack motivation for the giving this year. I don't even really care. I have procrastinated terribly and lack creativity completely.

Usually, the February storm lasts about three weeks. Last year, was the worst year ever. I wonder if it's early arrival means an early departure. Or will I have to ride it out until March?

God help the people around me if that's the case.

Undefined Decisions

There is comfort in the past. Holding on to it is easy because it's what you know. You lived it. Or survived it. Either way, going through it got you to today. This moment is a result of all that... past.

While the past brought you here and contributed to who you are today, it does not define you. That's where the holding on hinders you. Clinging to past experiences and allowing them to influence the decisions for your future can hinder the fullness and the goodness of your life. That is especially so for those who have a painful or traumatic past and what really sucks is that those who endured pain and trauma are the ones who hold on the tightest.

The same goes for those moving on from past loves or other relationships. Wallowing in the memory of a former lover or even a former friend restricts our capacity to open ourselves to others who come along. Hoping for reconciliation is reasonable sometimes but that hope can serve as a blindfold for your future too. Decisions based on feelings once assigned to others in your life limit the fullness of future relationships.

People with joyful pasts take a stroll down memory lane every once in a while and talk about how great life was back when... But they rarely balk in decision making because they fear that life might end up being good... again.

Holding on to what was distracts our focus on the present and inhibits our ability to see the possibilities of our future. And that can result in missed opportunities for something different and something good.

The past does not determine the future. It is merely a factor in our decisions. It should not define them.

Two years ago, I made a decision to stop holding on to pieces of my past and to stop running from the rest of it. The struggles in my life didn't stop immediately. Decisions do not automate change. Decisions require work. But the differences appear and the goodness comes over time. Eventually, making undefined decisions becomes easier. The differences and the goodness become the struggle because there's no point of reference for them. It's all new. And sometimes it's frustrating.

But there's a freedom in deciding which way to go without the ghosts of your past weighing in on that decision. The people you let into your life, your new experiences and simply being open to the idea of anything brings pleasure and on good days, a great deal of happiness.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


The average four-year-old asks 437 questions per day. 437. There are no statistics to show how many of those questions go unanswered every day but I am going to guess it's a fair number of them.

I have been asking the same question for years and I don't seem to get an answer. Ever. My question is WHY? I probably ask it roughly 30 times a day about different things. And I never get an answer. I get a story or an analogy or a line that sidetracks me from my original question. But I never get an answer.

Sometimes, I ask why about the same thing over and over and over. Still... no answer. I have asked many people the same question. Neither race nor creed nor shoe size affects the exchange. I ask why. There's no clear cut answer. It's a conversation. Or at the very least 3 or 4 sentences that don't tell me anything.

I've asked God why. People tell me that if you are quiet long enough and find that peaceful space, you might hear His answer. I can't hear Him. I have been trying for years to find a moment of peace that lasts long enough for me to hear God tell me why. I can't find it and I can't hear Him. But I am going to try not to pray for that peaceful place because with my luck, I'll end up dead. I prayed for patience once and I am STILL waiting.

Maybe there is no answer to the question, "why?" There are definitely answers to who, where, what and how. But maybe "why" is too subjective.

I know for sure that the answer is not "because" or "it just is." people have attempted to placate me with answers like that and I only end up asking "why" again... only louder.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Take Out the Trash

Leaving doesn't clean up your mess. It just leaves your mess for someone else to clean up.

Walking out on your problems merely puts you in a different location. It's like moving to a new house to get away from all of your trash. Even though you move, the house is still filled with bags of trash. Whether you are there or not. You might not have to deal with it but somebody will have to come behind you and clean it up. So you might as well handle it. Just take out the damn trash.

You will save yourself the trouble of packing and hauling your stuff up and down stairs and finding a new place and making new friends and all that stuff. It's not easy to get motivated to do the dirty work. But in the long run, it is really an easier job.