I imagine he'd be beautiful,
strong in body like his father,
strong in spirit like his mother,
strong willed like us both.
I imagine he'd be generous,
helping hands for all around him,
saving the world one by one,
making me so proud.
Of course he'd be athletic
how could he not be
following in the footsteps
of his parents?
He'd meet challenges head on
and never know a stranger.
He'd have the courage of a lion
and the heart of his mother.
He'd graduate this May
and head off somewhere to college
where he'd show the world his brilliance
and work toward his success.
And he'd return to care for me,
his aging, lonely mother
who would never be alone
thanks to the son she had conceived.
On this day more than any other, I am reminded of the child that I carried who left before I knew him but not before my hopes and dreams for him solidified. It's not his birthday or the day I lost him that stand out after 17 years, it is Mother's Day that hurts the most.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Saturday, May 05, 2018
These Dreams
Years ago, while at a music conference, I attended a class on dream interpretation. What messages are you receiving in your dreams? What issues are you unknowingly wrestling with or are causing you worry? The main idea I took away from that class was that 98% of your dreams are about you, even when they seem to be about someone or something else.
My fascination with the meanings of my dreams started when I was very young and continues today. The vivid pictures conveyed in my sleep and rife with symbolism cause me to get very little sleep. I dream constantly. On average, over the last three months, I have slept about five and a half hours per night. During that time, I am in REM sleep for a little more than and hour and a half on average. It's during REM sleep that we dream.
Some nights, my dreams are like movies: long and detailed and laden with characters from childhood through my most recent interaction. Most often those dreams are about my lifelong struggle to feel accepted and loved. Sometimes, however, they are celebrations or reminders of how fortunate I have been to know such a diverse crowd of influential people.
Other nights, I dream in short vignettes that are seemingly not connected in anyway. The meanings or the messages in those dreams vary. But they are widely connected to my worries or some sort of grieving I am experiencing internally. For example, over the course of the last three years, I have had many different dreams involving one friend in particular. We were estranged over the last three years and, while the situations were always different, the ending was always the same. We would be on a trip or at the beach or out shopping and, in the end, my friend would leave me or ditch me or abandon me in a parking lot. I felt lost and intensely sad every time I awoke from one of those dreams. We have since reconciled and the dreams have stopped.
I am grateful for my sleepless nights because dreaming puts me firmly in touch with everything that's really going on in my head and my heart. I often ask God to speak to me in my dreams. I feel like that's the only time I am quiet enough to receive guidance. My dreams are the reason I just know things sometimes too. Intuition, for me, goes beyond a feeling. It is an experience that most often teaks place while I am asleep.
So, what are you dreaming about?
Dreams are the most curious asides and soliloquies of the soul. When a man recollects his dream, it is like meeting the ghost of himself. Dreams often surprise us into the strangest self-knowledge.... Dreaming is the truest confessional, and often the sharpest penance. ~Alexander Smith (1829–1867), "On Dreams and Dreaming"
My fascination with the meanings of my dreams started when I was very young and continues today. The vivid pictures conveyed in my sleep and rife with symbolism cause me to get very little sleep. I dream constantly. On average, over the last three months, I have slept about five and a half hours per night. During that time, I am in REM sleep for a little more than and hour and a half on average. It's during REM sleep that we dream.
Some nights, my dreams are like movies: long and detailed and laden with characters from childhood through my most recent interaction. Most often those dreams are about my lifelong struggle to feel accepted and loved. Sometimes, however, they are celebrations or reminders of how fortunate I have been to know such a diverse crowd of influential people.
Other nights, I dream in short vignettes that are seemingly not connected in anyway. The meanings or the messages in those dreams vary. But they are widely connected to my worries or some sort of grieving I am experiencing internally. For example, over the course of the last three years, I have had many different dreams involving one friend in particular. We were estranged over the last three years and, while the situations were always different, the ending was always the same. We would be on a trip or at the beach or out shopping and, in the end, my friend would leave me or ditch me or abandon me in a parking lot. I felt lost and intensely sad every time I awoke from one of those dreams. We have since reconciled and the dreams have stopped.
I am grateful for my sleepless nights because dreaming puts me firmly in touch with everything that's really going on in my head and my heart. I often ask God to speak to me in my dreams. I feel like that's the only time I am quiet enough to receive guidance. My dreams are the reason I just know things sometimes too. Intuition, for me, goes beyond a feeling. It is an experience that most often teaks place while I am asleep.
So, what are you dreaming about?
Dreams are the most curious asides and soliloquies of the soul. When a man recollects his dream, it is like meeting the ghost of himself. Dreams often surprise us into the strangest self-knowledge.... Dreaming is the truest confessional, and often the sharpest penance. ~Alexander Smith (1829–1867), "On Dreams and Dreaming"
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Back to Being Strangers
Some of us should just go back
to being strangers.
Stop pretending
to be more.
We were inseparable
in the seventh grade.
We worked together
years ago.
We met through friends at Christmas
at that happy hour.
We sang side by side
in the choir.
We studied Math and Spanish
in the senior lounge.
We partied all night
at college.
Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram
reunited us.
With posts and pictures
we caught up.
We disagreed fervently.
Conservative stance
and Lib'ral beliefs
collided.
My tone was difficult for
you to decipher.
You no longer heard
my voice speak.
I still love 80s rock and roll
you think it is trash.
I no longer drink.
You're a lush.
Devoted to your fam'ly
and I'm so single,
time proved tough to
set aside.
Attempts to reacquaint us
failed miserably.
It's been too long
since last time.
Some of us should just go back
to being strangers.
Stop pretending
to be more.
to being strangers.
Stop pretending
to be more.
We were inseparable
in the seventh grade.
We worked together
years ago.
We met through friends at Christmas
at that happy hour.
We sang side by side
in the choir.
We studied Math and Spanish
in the senior lounge.
We partied all night
at college.
Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram
reunited us.
With posts and pictures
we caught up.
We disagreed fervently.
Conservative stance
and Lib'ral beliefs
collided.
My tone was difficult for
you to decipher.
You no longer heard
my voice speak.
I still love 80s rock and roll
you think it is trash.
I no longer drink.
You're a lush.
Devoted to your fam'ly
and I'm so single,
time proved tough to
set aside.
Attempts to reacquaint us
failed miserably.
It's been too long
since last time.
Some of us should just go back
to being strangers.
Stop pretending
to be more.
Monday, March 19, 2018
Sleep
Sleep:
A necessity for healthy living
but an inconvenience for those
who want to enjoy
every
minute
of life.
Napping:
pleasurable if napping with another.
But to nap alone
for napping's sake
seems
wasteful
to me.
Dreaming
delightful images for the visionary
and predictions for the future
but why dream
when
action
is needed.
I will not...
...sleep
my life away when in waking hours
my hands might build and create and fulfill
those dreams of mine
before
night
comes again.
A necessity for healthy living
but an inconvenience for those
who want to enjoy
every
minute
of life.
Napping:
pleasurable if napping with another.
But to nap alone
for napping's sake
seems
wasteful
to me.
Dreaming
delightful images for the visionary
and predictions for the future
but why dream
when
action
is needed.
I will not...
...sleep
my life away when in waking hours
my hands might build and create and fulfill
those dreams of mine
before
night
comes again.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me
'Twas the night before my birthday and I cooked and I baked til I was red in the face. Cupcakes and pancakes and sausage and cookies... We're gonna eat GOOD tomorrow. I have always felt like the best way to celebrate my birthday was to show my love for others. Although I make a big deal out of counting down until the day arrives, too much attention sort of embarrasses me. So I try to make it about everybody. Surprised? Here is a list of ten things about me that might surprise you:
1. I would rather cook for 100 people than 1.
2. I have never drank a full cup of coffee.
3. I am extremely claustrophobic. I wasn't claustrophobic at all until I was in my late 20s.
4. I have never had any dental work.
5. I have had 10 surgeries in 6 different hospitals.
6. My first job was as a baker at a restaurant.
7. I have sung the national anthem for 30 years for many organizations including MISL, NHL, MLB, MiLB, PBR, NHRA, NASCAR and The National Dog Show (sponsored by Purina). My first anthem was in front of 10,000 people at the old arena for a St. Louis Steamers game.
8. I didn't have my first real kiss until I was 17.
9. My first concert was a band called Survivor at Six Flags.
10. When I was a little girl I wanted to either be a singer or the quarterback for the football Cardinals.
The more you know, huh? Well, tomorrow is the big day. 47. I am grateful.
1. I would rather cook for 100 people than 1.
2. I have never drank a full cup of coffee.
3. I am extremely claustrophobic. I wasn't claustrophobic at all until I was in my late 20s.
4. I have never had any dental work.
5. I have had 10 surgeries in 6 different hospitals.
6. My first job was as a baker at a restaurant.
7. I have sung the national anthem for 30 years for many organizations including MISL, NHL, MLB, MiLB, PBR, NHRA, NASCAR and The National Dog Show (sponsored by Purina). My first anthem was in front of 10,000 people at the old arena for a St. Louis Steamers game.
8. I didn't have my first real kiss until I was 17.
9. My first concert was a band called Survivor at Six Flags.
10. When I was a little girl I wanted to either be a singer or the quarterback for the football Cardinals.
The more you know, huh? Well, tomorrow is the big day. 47. I am grateful.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: My Top Tens for 47
My 47th birthday fast approaches and so I am thinking about the things I want to make sure I do or say over the course of my 47th year of life. The great thing about birthdays is that they are another beginning of another new year. I suppose these are my 47th year resolutions.
10. Volunteer more. Volunteering was a priority in my 40th year and it was an incredible year. In this way, it would be ok with me if history repeated itself.
9. Watch less TV. I feel like the television is always on so it is kind of tough to avoid but... I will make the effort.
8. Write more. I have all of these half finished books that need finishing and this will be the year, I will do it.
7. Save money. Since I became a teacher it has been IMPOSSIBLE to save money. But I will get as many side hustles as it takes to get some money in the bank.
6. Spend more time outdoors. I love the outdoors. Not in the camping and hiking kind of way but in the sitting in a beautiful place and allowing it to inspire me kind of way.
5. Work to repair relationships. I will leave it at that.
4. Rebuild relationships that I have left fall dormant. I know too many incredible people who I have called friend who I have allowed to fade into the background. No more! Get ready folks!
3. Sow seeds for the future. I have plans. I have visions. It is time to plant the seeds for those things to come to fruition.
2. Continue to learn. From everyone.
1. Hug more and say "I love you" more. YES, EVEN MORE.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: A Few Top Tens
My coworker and friend Katy is incredibly clever. When I told her that I wanted to come up with some top ten lists that I could use in my blog, she had a list of ideas for me as long as her arm. In fact, I bet she is still thinking up some more as I type.
She suggested a Dwayne Johnson-themed list that might have been way over the TMI line for some of you so I will just contemplate that on my own. She also suggested "Top Ten Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Cup of Coffee" which I can't do because... I don't drink coffee. All of my ideas for ways to make it tasty would probably make everyone else barf. (Yes, I said barf.) That said, there are so many that I would love to do. So I picked the ideas that I thought I could do the most justice.
Top Ten Guys Who are Gross but to Whom I am Oddly Attracted
(Coming up with ten for this was difficult and let me be clear, this title was suggested by someone else. Others find these men to be ugly. I happen to love them. :) )
10. Adrian Brody
9. Steven Tyler
8. Tom Arnold
7. Sean Penn
6. Paul Stanley (from Kiss)
5. Javier Bardem
4. Benicio Del Toro
3. Danny Wood (from NKOTB)
2. Joe Elliott (from Def Leppard)
1. Sylvester Stallone
Top Ten Realizations I Have Come to in My Life
10. Too many people wear socks with sandals.
9. Nobody is going to take the trash out for you.
8. In that same vein, if you want something done the way YOU want it done, you better do it yourself.
7. French fries can be eaten during any hour of the day and it's ok.
6. A great piece of chocolate cake is hard to find.
5. Most people are really only concerned with what's best for them.
4. People will tell you they love you and leave you in the same breath.
3. Some of your very best friends are afraid of your potential for greatness.
2. Happiness is a choice.
1. You can say you're sorry 100 times but never actually BE sorry.
Top Ten Favorite Pieces of Art
10. Dogs Playing Poker (No, I am not kidding.)
9. The Flower Carrier
8. Anything Jackson Pollack
7. Warrior Wombyn (aka Rezzie the Riveter)."
6. The Pieta
5. The Green Dancer
4.The Great Migration Series
3. Starry Night
2. The Kiss
1. Water Lilies Series
More to come!
She suggested a Dwayne Johnson-themed list that might have been way over the TMI line for some of you so I will just contemplate that on my own. She also suggested "Top Ten Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Cup of Coffee" which I can't do because... I don't drink coffee. All of my ideas for ways to make it tasty would probably make everyone else barf. (Yes, I said barf.) That said, there are so many that I would love to do. So I picked the ideas that I thought I could do the most justice.
Top Ten Guys Who are Gross but to Whom I am Oddly Attracted
(Coming up with ten for this was difficult and let me be clear, this title was suggested by someone else. Others find these men to be ugly. I happen to love them. :) )
10. Adrian Brody
9. Steven Tyler
8. Tom Arnold
7. Sean Penn
6. Paul Stanley (from Kiss)
5. Javier Bardem
4. Benicio Del Toro
3. Danny Wood (from NKOTB)
2. Joe Elliott (from Def Leppard)
1. Sylvester Stallone
Top Ten Realizations I Have Come to in My Life
10. Too many people wear socks with sandals.
9. Nobody is going to take the trash out for you.
8. In that same vein, if you want something done the way YOU want it done, you better do it yourself.
7. French fries can be eaten during any hour of the day and it's ok.
6. A great piece of chocolate cake is hard to find.
5. Most people are really only concerned with what's best for them.
4. People will tell you they love you and leave you in the same breath.
3. Some of your very best friends are afraid of your potential for greatness.
2. Happiness is a choice.
1. You can say you're sorry 100 times but never actually BE sorry.
Top Ten Favorite Pieces of Art
10. Dogs Playing Poker (No, I am not kidding.)
9. The Flower Carrier
8. Anything Jackson Pollack
7. Warrior Wombyn (aka Rezzie the Riveter)."
6. The Pieta
5. The Green Dancer
4.The Great Migration Series
3. Starry Night
2. The Kiss
1. Water Lilies Series
More to come!
Friday, February 23, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: You Can Be Anything You Want to Be!
First of all, bullshit. You absolutely cannot be anything you want to be. As one of my students reminded me, if I wanted to be a dolphin, I could not be a dolphin. UNLESS that dolphin was a member of the Miami Dolphins and, therefore, a professional football player which... We all KNOW I could not be. So, let's stop the madness. Truer statements:
1. You can do great things.
2. Goals are attainable if you work hard.
3. Set the bar higher than even you think you can reach and you will not disappoint yourself.
4. Choose a career you love and you will never work a day in your life. (Full disclosure: I don't know who said that first but it was not me.)
I believe, at 47 years old, those four things have been true in my life. I have done great things. Unimaginable even. Stuff I never thought I would do. Things I didn't know to dream. I have reached and surpassed many goals. I have higher expectations for myself than I do for others. Although I am not sure others don't have even higher expectations for me because I have disappointed some people in my lifetime. I have chosen three careers that I have loved. And I have quit two of them when they started to feel too much like work and not enough like pure joy.
In my current career as a teacher, I find joy in about nine out of every ten days. But on the tenth day, I think, "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE." I am sure saying that (or typing it) out loud is treasonous but I don't care because, my friends, IT IS THE TRUTH. Yesterday was a day ten for me. Teaching is the hardest job I have ever had for many reasons but the top reason is that you work daily to put children in a position of success that sometimes will call you a bitch or record you and put you on snapchat calling you a fat ass or lie to their parents or other teachers about how horrible you are. And it is still your job to make sure they are successful. Let me be clear. I love my students. They do not always return the love. Yesterday, was a day ten. So I started thinking, if there was time for a few more careers, what would they be and I came up with a list of ten. Here you go:
1. Full-time Author
2. Principal
3. State Representative
4. Movie Producer
5. Secretary of Education
6. Owner of a Non-Profit Ad Agency with a portfolio of clients that worked to make life better for the disadvantaged or underprivileged
7. Events or Tour Manager in the Music Industry
8. Travel Writer
9. Public Speaker
10. Independently Wealthy Philanthropist
1. You can do great things.
2. Goals are attainable if you work hard.
3. Set the bar higher than even you think you can reach and you will not disappoint yourself.
4. Choose a career you love and you will never work a day in your life. (Full disclosure: I don't know who said that first but it was not me.)
I believe, at 47 years old, those four things have been true in my life. I have done great things. Unimaginable even. Stuff I never thought I would do. Things I didn't know to dream. I have reached and surpassed many goals. I have higher expectations for myself than I do for others. Although I am not sure others don't have even higher expectations for me because I have disappointed some people in my lifetime. I have chosen three careers that I have loved. And I have quit two of them when they started to feel too much like work and not enough like pure joy.
In my current career as a teacher, I find joy in about nine out of every ten days. But on the tenth day, I think, "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE." I am sure saying that (or typing it) out loud is treasonous but I don't care because, my friends, IT IS THE TRUTH. Yesterday was a day ten for me. Teaching is the hardest job I have ever had for many reasons but the top reason is that you work daily to put children in a position of success that sometimes will call you a bitch or record you and put you on snapchat calling you a fat ass or lie to their parents or other teachers about how horrible you are. And it is still your job to make sure they are successful. Let me be clear. I love my students. They do not always return the love. Yesterday, was a day ten. So I started thinking, if there was time for a few more careers, what would they be and I came up with a list of ten. Here you go:
1. Full-time Author
2. Principal
3. State Representative
4. Movie Producer
5. Secretary of Education
6. Owner of a Non-Profit Ad Agency with a portfolio of clients that worked to make life better for the disadvantaged or underprivileged
7. Events or Tour Manager in the Music Industry
8. Travel Writer
9. Public Speaker
10. Independently Wealthy Philanthropist
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: Travel Through Time
Traveling has provided me with tremendous experiences, broadened my horizons, opened doors of opportunity, and allowed me to escape from the daily stresses of life. In my 20s and 30s, I traveled a lot. Then for some reason, I decided to become a teacher in my 40s and was immediately flat broke which limited my traveling funds pretty dramatically. Now, I am about to turn 47 and have clearly crossed the thresh hold of mid-life crisis and I am longing for the road. So today, I will reminisce about ten of my favorite trips, pictures included.
1. South Dakota. I loved this trip because, for some reason, I felt like I was home. The spiritual experience in nature is beyond what words can explain and the people... The whole trip was love for me.
2. New York in the City. We survived a hurricane but I LOVED being in New York with my sister and nephew. It is truly the city that never sleeps... until that hurricane hit. I wish I had the guts to go when I was younger. Although, I may have never come home. What life might have been!
3. Table Rock Lake, MO. My family, cousins included, returned to the same resort my mom and dad used to take us to when we were kids. We all stayed in the same cabin. We ate together, fished together, and swam together like we did when we were little. Then at night, all of us "kids" would head back to the lake and lay on the shore to stargaze together. It was an amazing blessing.
4. New York in the Country. We stayed on an alpaca farm in the countryside which was incredibly calm and beautiful. For a couple of days we also headed into Cooperstown to watch a Hall of Fame Induction and enjoy all the chaos of Hall of Fame weekend. What a pleasure!
5. Breckenridge, CO. This trip came on the heels of quitting my job. I had enough and I needed eight days in the snow to find myself again. Every day, I pulled on my boots and headed out for a walk in the snow. This is also where I realized how much I loved riding a snow mobile. The outdoor hot tub in the snow was pretty cool too.
6. Orange Beach, AL. Disconnected from the world, sat on the beach, and TRULY relaxed. I remember trying to be PRESENT and ignoring messages from work. I ended up leaving that job shortly thereafter also to go to another agency so I didn't feel as much pressure to be available. But to TRULY relax was a gift. We even rented a sailboat (that came with a sailor) and he sailed us around the ocean for three hours.
7. Any road trip... There is nothing like loading up the car with a destination in mind but no real timeline. Stopping at random roadside stores to pick up some lottery tickets (because you know the winners are always in some small town) or to buy an "antique" that you don't really need. Diner food, farm land, cows (especially in Missouri)... it's what dreams are made of really.
9. L.A. with my nephew allowed me to see it with fresh eyes. I had been many times before but witnessing his excitement as we toured a movie lot, walked through the set of one of his favorite TV shows, took pictures with famous people (wax famous people but still), and traipsed up and down Hollywood Boulevard overjoyed me.
10. Finally, any trip I have ever taken to Memphis. I cannot recount the stories because some of them are secrets but I can tell you that I have eaten the best barbecue and met some incredible people. I have listened to great music, sung before thousands and danced til the sun came up. I have laughed more in Memphis than probably anywhere in the world because I have been afforded time there with some very dear friends.
 |
| Kirk and I in South Dakota |
1. South Dakota. I loved this trip because, for some reason, I felt like I was home. The spiritual experience in nature is beyond what words can explain and the people... The whole trip was love for me.
 |
| Kirk, Denise and I taking a tour of Central Park before Hurricane Sandy hit. |
 |
| The clothesline of towels and swimsuits at Table Rock. |
 |
| Kirk, Denise, Mom, and Shiloh enjoying the farm in New York. |
 |
| Shopping in Breckenridge |
5. Breckenridge, CO. This trip came on the heels of quitting my job. I had enough and I needed eight days in the snow to find myself again. Every day, I pulled on my boots and headed out for a walk in the snow. This is also where I realized how much I loved riding a snow mobile. The outdoor hot tub in the snow was pretty cool too.
6. Orange Beach, AL. Disconnected from the world, sat on the beach, and TRULY relaxed. I remember trying to be PRESENT and ignoring messages from work. I ended up leaving that job shortly thereafter also to go to another agency so I didn't feel as much pressure to be available. But to TRULY relax was a gift. We even rented a sailboat (that came with a sailor) and he sailed us around the ocean for three hours. |
| "selfie" |
8. The Field of Dreams in Iowa. First of all Iowa is a gorgeous place. As green as I imagine Ireland might be. I love driving right down the middle of a farm with cows and horses and sheep within reach from the car. But then, to stand where Kevin Costner stood. Well, we all know that made me giddy. Most importantly, however, this was the trip that launched the birthday trip tradition I have with my nephew Kirk. And now, every year for 9 years, we have gone on a trip for his birthday.
10. Finally, any trip I have ever taken to Memphis. I cannot recount the stories because some of them are secrets but I can tell you that I have eaten the best barbecue and met some incredible people. I have listened to great music, sung before thousands and danced til the sun came up. I have laughed more in Memphis than probably anywhere in the world because I have been afforded time there with some very dear friends.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: Oh That's Tasty
In keeping with the theme of lists or top ten lists in ten blogs until I turn 47, I thought I would keep things short and sweet. FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD is the subject for today. Here are the top ten foods I would eat if I could only eat ten things for the rest of my life:
1. Throwed Rolls from Lamberts in Sikeston
2. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches from McGurk's in Soulard
3. BLTs from Crown Candy Kitchen
4. Spaghetti & Meatballs made by me
5. Fajita Nachos from Chava's in Soulard
6. Barbecue Ribs from Pappy's
7. Mac and cheese from Costco (I know, I know...)
8. Biscuits and Gravy (I haven't found the best yet but I am in hot pursuit!)
9. Signature Chocolate Cake from Russell's on Macklind
10. Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream from Baskin Robins
AND, ten things I drink the most:
1. Diet Dr. Pepper (I have a student who tells me every day that this will kill me.)
2. Orange Juice
3. Beer
4. Red Wine (I love a good Norton.)
5. Mango Margaritas (Best served at Chava's)
6. Margarita on the rocks with salt (Still seeking the best)
7. Water
8. Diet Pepsi
9. Milk
10. White Wine (When the red has run out.)
There you have it. My lists of over-indulgence and many of my vices. All here. To be judged. Ah... mid-life crisis.
1. Throwed Rolls from Lamberts in Sikeston
2. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches from McGurk's in Soulard
3. BLTs from Crown Candy Kitchen
4. Spaghetti & Meatballs made by me
5. Fajita Nachos from Chava's in Soulard
6. Barbecue Ribs from Pappy's
7. Mac and cheese from Costco (I know, I know...)
8. Biscuits and Gravy (I haven't found the best yet but I am in hot pursuit!)
9. Signature Chocolate Cake from Russell's on Macklind
10. Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream from Baskin Robins
AND, ten things I drink the most:
1. Diet Dr. Pepper (I have a student who tells me every day that this will kill me.)
2. Orange Juice
3. Beer
4. Red Wine (I love a good Norton.)
5. Mango Margaritas (Best served at Chava's)
6. Margarita on the rocks with salt (Still seeking the best)
7. Water
8. Diet Pepsi
9. Milk
10. White Wine (When the red has run out.)
There you have it. My lists of over-indulgence and many of my vices. All here. To be judged. Ah... mid-life crisis.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: MASH
Cars are not really my "thing" but do you remember being a little girl and playing MASH with your friends? You would make these lists of things you wanted for your future and then you would pick a number and your friend would count through the list crossing off every spot she landed on when she got to your number. She would keep counting and crossing off until there was only one thing left in each category.
M.A.S.H. stood for mansion, apartment, shack, house. But we had a list of boys we liked, the kinds of cars we'd like to drive, how many kids we wanted, and we would add stuff all the time like what state we would live in and what kind of job we would have. I remember we always had to have one item (or person) in each category that we DID NOT want to end up with because it would be funny if you ended up living in a shack with 10 kids, driving a Ferrari and married to John Stamos.
Most of the plans for the future that I made as a child were squashed by bad decisions and procrastination and luck of the draw and maybe a little bit of favor in the form of unanswered prayers. But if I could play MASH one more time...
Where would you live?
1. Mansion
2. Apartment
3. Shack
4. House
What kind of car would you drive?
1. Jeep
2. Explorer
3. Escalade
4. My dad's old minivan
How many kids would you have?
1. 4
2. 3
3. 2
4. 1
Who would you marry?
1. The Rock
2. Channing Tatum
3. John Stamos
4. Idris Elba
My number is 7. The number of perfection.
OH to be a child again!
M.A.S.H. stood for mansion, apartment, shack, house. But we had a list of boys we liked, the kinds of cars we'd like to drive, how many kids we wanted, and we would add stuff all the time like what state we would live in and what kind of job we would have. I remember we always had to have one item (or person) in each category that we DID NOT want to end up with because it would be funny if you ended up living in a shack with 10 kids, driving a Ferrari and married to John Stamos.
Most of the plans for the future that I made as a child were squashed by bad decisions and procrastination and luck of the draw and maybe a little bit of favor in the form of unanswered prayers. But if I could play MASH one more time...
Where would you live?
1. Mansion
2. Apartment
3. Shack
4. House
What kind of car would you drive?
1. Jeep
2. Explorer
3. Escalade
4. My dad's old minivan
How many kids would you have?
1. 4
2. 3
3. 2
4. 1
Who would you marry?
1. The Rock
2. Channing Tatum
3. John Stamos
4. Idris Elba
My number is 7. The number of perfection.
OH to be a child again!
Monday, February 19, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: I'm with the Band
Bounding into the kitchen, I interrupted my mom's chores to announce that I would one day be a famous singer. Mom continued washing the dishes and kindly dismissed me. I was six.
I went to college to be a music major. I was too fat to be a part of the musical theater program. They wanted me to do opera. I quit to become a sports writer. I was 18.
In 2001, I lost 64 pounds and decided I might try to revive my dying dream of singing for a living. That year, I sang the national anthem for the first time for the St. Louis Blues. I would become a regular, singing up to 22 games per season at my peak. It would launch an anthem singing career across the country and open the door for me to sing for no only the NHL but also the NFL, MLB, NASCAR, and many, many more organizations. I was 30.
In ten days, I will be 47. I realize my star power has faded and my opportunity has passed but I would still drop everything to tour and sing back up for some folks. This leads to yet another mid-life crisis question: if you could sing backup for anyone, who would it be? How about a top ten list?
10. Pink
9. John Legend
8. Kelly Clarkson
7. Sam Smith
6. Luke Bryan
5. Chris Stapleton
4. Janet Jackson
3. Almost any gospel artist on the charts
2. Justin Timberlake
1. Bruno Mars
I went to college to be a music major. I was too fat to be a part of the musical theater program. They wanted me to do opera. I quit to become a sports writer. I was 18.
In 2001, I lost 64 pounds and decided I might try to revive my dying dream of singing for a living. That year, I sang the national anthem for the first time for the St. Louis Blues. I would become a regular, singing up to 22 games per season at my peak. It would launch an anthem singing career across the country and open the door for me to sing for no only the NHL but also the NFL, MLB, NASCAR, and many, many more organizations. I was 30.
In ten days, I will be 47. I realize my star power has faded and my opportunity has passed but I would still drop everything to tour and sing back up for some folks. This leads to yet another mid-life crisis question: if you could sing backup for anyone, who would it be? How about a top ten list?
10. Pink
9. John Legend
8. Kelly Clarkson
7. Sam Smith
6. Luke Bryan
5. Chris Stapleton
4. Janet Jackson
3. Almost any gospel artist on the charts
2. Justin Timberlake
1. Bruno Mars
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Ten Blogs 'til 47: What's Next?
Ten days until I turn 47... My mid-life crisis has officially arrived in the form of voices in my head bombarding me with questions I have successfully ignored for the last ten years.
What are you doing with your life?
What's next?
When you are you going to get married?
You ain't got no kids?
Did you finish writing that book yet? Better yet, have you actually found a publisher to produce that shit you think is brilliant?
Why are you still cussing like a sailor?
You know that perfectly imperfect is not really a thing, right?
What's next?
OMG, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT?
You know you can't find love because you are fat don't you?
Are you sure you want to eat that?
How many times have I told you to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT? (Everyone doesn't need to know what your thinking)
So tell me again, what are you doing with your life?
Don't you want to live in a nice house and drive a nice car with a successful husband and four brilliant children?
I mean... is this enough for you?
HOLY CRAP, did you know you only have three years left until your 50?
What's next?
But really... what's next?
STOP. I need to know... what's next?
I don't know what's next. But I do know that I have ten days until my 47th birthday and in honor of that joyful day, I will be writing ten exhilarating blogs.
Welcome to my mid-life crisis.
What are you doing with your life?
What's next?
When you are you going to get married?
You ain't got no kids?
Did you finish writing that book yet? Better yet, have you actually found a publisher to produce that shit you think is brilliant?
Why are you still cussing like a sailor?
You know that perfectly imperfect is not really a thing, right?
What's next?
OMG, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT?
You know you can't find love because you are fat don't you?
Are you sure you want to eat that?
How many times have I told you to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT? (Everyone doesn't need to know what your thinking)
So tell me again, what are you doing with your life?
Don't you want to live in a nice house and drive a nice car with a successful husband and four brilliant children?
I mean... is this enough for you?
HOLY CRAP, did you know you only have three years left until your 50?
What's next?
But really... what's next?
STOP. I need to know... what's next?
I don't know what's next. But I do know that I have ten days until my 47th birthday and in honor of that joyful day, I will be writing ten exhilarating blogs.
Welcome to my mid-life crisis.
Lockdown
I remember the first time a school where I taught ordered a real lockdown. Area police were in pursuit of an armed man who decided to run through our campus. It was a campus with plenty of places to hide: multiple buildings with hundreds of rooms, closets, nooks, and crannies.
My classroom sat in the center of a long hallway in a building close to the edge of campus. It's single story frame offered an easy escape through the seven windows that lined the north wall of my room. But the building also offered easy access from the outside with countless windows and at least six doors that opened to the outside.
Inside my room, I had one closet filled with shelves from top to bottom and no door. Cabinets were scarce. Essentially there was nowhere to hide. Evading an intruder would be complicated even further by my large class sizes. Having survived intruder training and after watching multiple videos about how to keep my students safe in a dangerous situation, I realized that the only way I would ever be able to protect my students would be to get them out of that room quickly and quietly. I replayed the scenario over and over in my head, just in case.
Unlike many of the teachers with whom I work, I did not become a teacher until I was in my 40s. I didn't have my first classroom until 2014. The massacre at Columbine occurred in 1999 with hundreds of incidents to follow. So I knew going in that there was a possibility that one day I might have to do more than just teach English. I also knew without doubt that teaching was a step in fulfilling my life's purpose so putting my life on the line would just be something I would have to do.
On that day, when my students and I were told to lock the door, turn off the lights and be quiet until it was safe, we did as we were told. I locked the door while a few boys in the back of the room pulled the curtains across the six-foot tall windows and everyone else shifted to the side of the room and sat on the floor. One of the girls reminded the students to turn off the flash notification on their phones and to put them on silent. As I pulled the door closed, a district security officer stopped me and shoved three truant students, who I had never met, into my room. I ushered them to the side and sat them behind my desk. I remember saying to the kids, "If we have to leave the room, just follow my lead. As long as you can see me, you will be safe."
It was dark. It was silent. And then I thought, "How the fuck am I going to save 34 kids if somebody comes in here?"
I was fully trained. I felt fully prepared. Until it was real. And then I knew in my heart that it would be impossible for me to shield 34 kids from a bullet. I couldn't even really hide 34 kids. I could maybe hide three. So... which three? I could maybe shield two. So... which two? What about my other 29 students?
In less than ten minutes, the security officer returned and said we were safe to go back to normal. The three truant students rushed to their classroom. We left the curtains closed. The students remained quiet. There was nothing normal about that day.
My classroom sat in the center of a long hallway in a building close to the edge of campus. It's single story frame offered an easy escape through the seven windows that lined the north wall of my room. But the building also offered easy access from the outside with countless windows and at least six doors that opened to the outside.
Inside my room, I had one closet filled with shelves from top to bottom and no door. Cabinets were scarce. Essentially there was nowhere to hide. Evading an intruder would be complicated even further by my large class sizes. Having survived intruder training and after watching multiple videos about how to keep my students safe in a dangerous situation, I realized that the only way I would ever be able to protect my students would be to get them out of that room quickly and quietly. I replayed the scenario over and over in my head, just in case.
Unlike many of the teachers with whom I work, I did not become a teacher until I was in my 40s. I didn't have my first classroom until 2014. The massacre at Columbine occurred in 1999 with hundreds of incidents to follow. So I knew going in that there was a possibility that one day I might have to do more than just teach English. I also knew without doubt that teaching was a step in fulfilling my life's purpose so putting my life on the line would just be something I would have to do.
On that day, when my students and I were told to lock the door, turn off the lights and be quiet until it was safe, we did as we were told. I locked the door while a few boys in the back of the room pulled the curtains across the six-foot tall windows and everyone else shifted to the side of the room and sat on the floor. One of the girls reminded the students to turn off the flash notification on their phones and to put them on silent. As I pulled the door closed, a district security officer stopped me and shoved three truant students, who I had never met, into my room. I ushered them to the side and sat them behind my desk. I remember saying to the kids, "If we have to leave the room, just follow my lead. As long as you can see me, you will be safe."
It was dark. It was silent. And then I thought, "How the fuck am I going to save 34 kids if somebody comes in here?"
I was fully trained. I felt fully prepared. Until it was real. And then I knew in my heart that it would be impossible for me to shield 34 kids from a bullet. I couldn't even really hide 34 kids. I could maybe hide three. So... which three? I could maybe shield two. So... which two? What about my other 29 students?
In less than ten minutes, the security officer returned and said we were safe to go back to normal. The three truant students rushed to their classroom. We left the curtains closed. The students remained quiet. There was nothing normal about that day.
Saturday, January 06, 2018
Live Your Life
I don't understand why my young people are racing through life. So many are living life twenty years in advance of their actual ages. I realize there are many reasons pushing today's kids to accelerate the timelines of their lives but, from my seat of experience, I see our youth being cheated the chance to truly live. Some kids have watched their friends die before the age of 18 or shortly thereafter. Others are consumed with these being the end times. Still others long for independence from what they perceive as servitude under their parents. And finally, many are being prematurely pushed out of the nest by parents who no longer want the responsibility of their children.
The other day, my aunt told my cousin that life is not supposed to be figured out, it is supposed to be lived and enjoyed. Pure genius! This notion occupies a great deal of time and space in my thoughts lately. What exactly does that mean? While, for each of us, the path of truly living will vary and will absolutely lead in a unique direction, I can reflect on my beautiful life and offer some ideas that might also work for others.
College may not be for everyone. Many might have said that about me. But I had the choice to either get a full time job or go to school. I chose school mostly because I didn't want to work. However, I am glad I made that decision. College presented the ultimate struggle for a kid who hated school but needed to pass 12 credits a semester to stay there. It took me seven years to get my undergraduate degree. I partied a lot. I got into a lot of trouble. I am not advocating that for others but there were some incredible experiences in between the craziness. I met so many people who I never would have met without college. Going to classes by myself in a place where I knew nobody forced me out of my comfort zone and demanded that I carve out an identity separate from where I came from or who my friends were. Take a class. Go to some kind of training. Join a book club. Do something outside of your comfort zone. DO NOT JUST SIT AT HOME.
It's no secret that I don't like to work in one place for too long. The same boredom that plagued me throughout my education rears its ugly head on the job. If I don't feel like I am still learning or growing or if the experiences gets stale (what others might call comfortable), I am out! Most people see that as a bad thing but it has been a blessing for me. I have worked as a baker & a prep cook in a restaurant, a nanny, a public relations liaison, a sports writer, a publications coordinator, a technical writer, a project manager, a coach, a teacher. I have been the low man in the seniority rankings and I have been the boss. What I have discovered is that in all things, it's the people that matter most. It doesn't matter the job, or the process, or the industry, working is really all about the people you will meet and the experiences you will have. So try something you have never done. Apply for a job you think you'll never get. And mix it up. You will be better for it.
Travel. Travel. Travel. Escaping the status quo and venturing out into new, unseen places offered irreplaceable experiences to me in my twenties and thirties. Of course, I still had to work full time by then but a lot of my money went to seeing as much of our country as I could. The level of diversity in culture and food and religion and environment and people in this country is abundantly more than you can imagine. I can tell you that New York City is completely different from St. Louis which is completely different from Los Angeles and Des Moines, and Miami and Milwaukee. The way people get to work in those cities is different. What they eat for breakfast is different. Where they spend their time is different. How they talk is different. IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD. I can tell you that people stand in Times Square in New York dressed as Elmo to make money. In LA, you can find impromptu food stands set up in front of folks' houses where you can get the BEST tacos made by somebody's mom. The smell of beer brewing in Milwaukee is much stronger than in St. Louis and late at night, when people are leaving the clubs and the bars to go home, sausage stands are set up on the corners and, while it might have been heavily influence by the beer, I think I might have had the best sausage I have ever had there.
Speaking of food and beer. TRY IT. Eat sushi. Go to a wine tasting. Eat at the new Indian restaurant in town. Make friends with your Pakistani neighbors and get invited to dinner! Don't limit yourself to chips and mozzarella sticks.
Finally, the one thing that everyone can afford to do is volunteer. I spent every month of my 40th year volunteering for a different cause and it was the most rewarding year of my life.
The pressure to grow up is so intense these days. But you have so much life ahead of you. Live it a little. There's plenty of time to work 60 hours a week, buy a mansion, adopt 7 dogs, and join the PTA. Slow down. And, LIVE life.
The other day, my aunt told my cousin that life is not supposed to be figured out, it is supposed to be lived and enjoyed. Pure genius! This notion occupies a great deal of time and space in my thoughts lately. What exactly does that mean? While, for each of us, the path of truly living will vary and will absolutely lead in a unique direction, I can reflect on my beautiful life and offer some ideas that might also work for others.
College may not be for everyone. Many might have said that about me. But I had the choice to either get a full time job or go to school. I chose school mostly because I didn't want to work. However, I am glad I made that decision. College presented the ultimate struggle for a kid who hated school but needed to pass 12 credits a semester to stay there. It took me seven years to get my undergraduate degree. I partied a lot. I got into a lot of trouble. I am not advocating that for others but there were some incredible experiences in between the craziness. I met so many people who I never would have met without college. Going to classes by myself in a place where I knew nobody forced me out of my comfort zone and demanded that I carve out an identity separate from where I came from or who my friends were. Take a class. Go to some kind of training. Join a book club. Do something outside of your comfort zone. DO NOT JUST SIT AT HOME.
It's no secret that I don't like to work in one place for too long. The same boredom that plagued me throughout my education rears its ugly head on the job. If I don't feel like I am still learning or growing or if the experiences gets stale (what others might call comfortable), I am out! Most people see that as a bad thing but it has been a blessing for me. I have worked as a baker & a prep cook in a restaurant, a nanny, a public relations liaison, a sports writer, a publications coordinator, a technical writer, a project manager, a coach, a teacher. I have been the low man in the seniority rankings and I have been the boss. What I have discovered is that in all things, it's the people that matter most. It doesn't matter the job, or the process, or the industry, working is really all about the people you will meet and the experiences you will have. So try something you have never done. Apply for a job you think you'll never get. And mix it up. You will be better for it.
Travel. Travel. Travel. Escaping the status quo and venturing out into new, unseen places offered irreplaceable experiences to me in my twenties and thirties. Of course, I still had to work full time by then but a lot of my money went to seeing as much of our country as I could. The level of diversity in culture and food and religion and environment and people in this country is abundantly more than you can imagine. I can tell you that New York City is completely different from St. Louis which is completely different from Los Angeles and Des Moines, and Miami and Milwaukee. The way people get to work in those cities is different. What they eat for breakfast is different. Where they spend their time is different. How they talk is different. IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WORLD. I can tell you that people stand in Times Square in New York dressed as Elmo to make money. In LA, you can find impromptu food stands set up in front of folks' houses where you can get the BEST tacos made by somebody's mom. The smell of beer brewing in Milwaukee is much stronger than in St. Louis and late at night, when people are leaving the clubs and the bars to go home, sausage stands are set up on the corners and, while it might have been heavily influence by the beer, I think I might have had the best sausage I have ever had there.
Speaking of food and beer. TRY IT. Eat sushi. Go to a wine tasting. Eat at the new Indian restaurant in town. Make friends with your Pakistani neighbors and get invited to dinner! Don't limit yourself to chips and mozzarella sticks.
Finally, the one thing that everyone can afford to do is volunteer. I spent every month of my 40th year volunteering for a different cause and it was the most rewarding year of my life.
The pressure to grow up is so intense these days. But you have so much life ahead of you. Live it a little. There's plenty of time to work 60 hours a week, buy a mansion, adopt 7 dogs, and join the PTA. Slow down. And, LIVE life.
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