For the last month, I have defined the term "stupid girl." I have become everything I hate. Hard to believe, I know. This woman who exudes confidence and preaches independence is not capable of falling into the traps of obsession and jealousy. Is she?
In an effort to understand this jealousy thing a little more, I've done a little research. Jealousy, much like guilt, is not something I have previously experienced. I read a lot of articles by well-educated people. I searched advice columns. Explanations varied depending on the situation but there were two causes of jealousy that resonated with me.
First, a fear of losing something often results in jealousy. Seeing someone to whom you feel attached with another person can stir a fear within you. It's a fear that your role in that someone's life could be filled by someone else. That fear is particularly intensified if there is a sexual connection or attachment. Experiencing a moment (or several moments) of bliss with someone solidifies the attachment you feel. You nearly lose yourself in that person. And we can all lie and say that it is easy to walk away from really good sex or that we can handle a one-night stand. But the truth is bliss doesn't come along every day.
Second, jealousy is the result of low self-esteem. If you believe that you are the right girl for a guy, you have no reason to be jealous or to worry that you will be replaced. And if he does leave, it's not always a reflection of you. He's just an idiot.
I've had enough of this stupid girl syndrome. It makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. I have exhibited a whole new level of crazy. And not the good kind of crazy. Until I recover my sanity, I am swearing off drunken nights, blissful sex and idiots.