Saturday, January 19, 2008

If only I could make a man love me...

My parents' generation finds great comfort and almost ultimate achievement in marriage. My dad believes that a father is responsible for his daughter until another man, preferably her husband, takes her into his care. And while my parents got married very late in life, by their generation's standards, the fact that I am 36 and single and can't seem to make a man love me distresses them tremendously.

A lifelong relationship, whether it continues in marriage or simply commitment, sounds like a nice idea to me. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I envisioned a perfect life with a husband and about nine boys (enough for a baseball team) and a couple of dogs and a house on a nice city street lined with trees. Essentially, I wanted what my parents have. But life doesn't always turn out they way you think it will.

The results you get in life are due, in part, to what is meant for you. And in part, you get what you get because of the choices you have made along the way. My life, I believe, has been delayed in many areas because I have lacked focus for that which would get the results I desired. I was distracted by pretty things and bad boys and excitement. So distracted, in fact, that I missed opportunities and people as they passed through my life.

I'm a passionate person. Passionate people get distracted. We throw ourselves whole-heartedly into the moment. But we sometimes don't realize when the moment is over and we get caught up in it. I like to believe, however, that we live life to the fullest. we experience so much more than the people sitting on life's sidelines. And I have to wonder if that's better than moving through life on cruise control, doing all the right things and following the patterns that have been created by our parents and their parents before them.

I am different. (If you read this blog often enough, you know that.) And I may be a bit of a disappointment to my parents. I know I am a worry to them. But I have lived. I have dined in France and traipsed through the tulips in Holland. I have parasailed over shark infested waters and driven with the rooftop down along the coasts of the Southeast. I have been to two World Series, one a tragic loss and the other a triumphant win. I played Division III volleyball and basketball and I have coached basketball alongside Ralph Sampson and Dee Brown. I have sung at Powell Symphony Hall and recorded background vocals for a rap group. I have been in love and I have been loved.

I would hate for the measure of my life to come down to one thing: if only I could make a man love me...

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