Thursday, November 15, 2007

Stuff that makes a sane woman crazy...

Never in life have I been as obsessive and insane as I have felt this week.

All females are obsessed with something at various times in life whether it's boys or collecting things or buying shoes or the size of their thighs. Women focus intensely on things. That's what women do.

For me, there has to be a trigger of some kind to remind me of whatever it is. Otherwise, I am not even aware that I am supposed to be paranoid and over-sensitive. Usually, I am just cruising along, happy as a clam, minding my own business when I am suddenly smacked in the head by whatever it is.

Now, I don't mean to say that I am naive but sometimes I just don't want to know what's REALLY going on. I am happy with life as it is. Don't need no drama to mess it all up.

Sunday morning, I woke up at 7AM and I was sane. (As far as I can tell anyway and I believe others would testify on my behalf...)

By 7PM, I was completely crazy. Life barged into the middle of my mom's surprise 70th birthday party and grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!" Apparently, hiding somewhere under all my happy clams was a pile of not-quite-the-truth. And it had been there for weeks! I just didn't see it.

In that moment, I lost grasp of my sanity and I haven't seen it since.

Most of my days this week have been spent pretending that I'm OK and holding back tears. I tried to cry tonight and I couldn't. I am afraid the tears might decide to show up again in an inappropriate moment since they won't fall on demand. My stomach is all twisted in knots and I can't sleep. I am a mess.

The funny thing is I haven't really been sleeping for a couple of weeks and had the sense that something wasn't quite right but... I just kept on cruising and ignoring "the signs." (There are always signs.) Now, all that stuff races through my mind over and over and over... I can't stop thinking about it. And when I try I just end up thinking about how I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder constantly. I worry endlessly. And I feel completely helpless.

This is the stuff that makes a sane woman crazy.

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