Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Sad, Lonely & Doubtful

I struggle to reconcile loving my life with the desperation I feel some days. It's a desperation that I am convinced would be resolved if I just had someone other than this dog to greet me at the door everyday.

Shocking, huh? This strong, capable, successful woman who constantly preaches that women should not depend on others for happiness is now saying that there are days when she'd be happier if she had others to depend on. This satisfied single gal is admitting that some days she wishes that she wasn't single.

Sadly this is not my only sin. I hope my loyal readers won't hold it against me when I say that there are days when I doubt myself too. It doesn't seem possible that I could live what I've lived and still doubt myself but I do. I sit here and wonder if I can really do everything I have planned for my future. And I wonder and I doubt because of the days like today when I wish there was someone waiting for me at home. (And just to be clear... Because I know I have to be careful what I put out there... When I say I wish someone was waiting at home for me, I mean someone with whom I am in a relationship, not a stalker or a trespasser or any kind.)

A coworker calls my experience "the grass is always greener." We see the experiences of others and in times of sadness or loneliness or self-doubt, we project what others have onto our problems and see an instant solution. For example, I might think if I had a two-income family, I wouldn't be buried financially. When the reality is that if I stopped wasting money on a gym membership I haven't used in months and online dating sites that produce nothing but frightful experiences, I wouldn't be buried financially. The reality might also be that if I had a man with a job, money wouldn't be so tight but that is not necessarily the case. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess my point is that problems are compounded when I am sad or lonely or doubting myself. And what others have always seems like the route I should have taken.

I just know that some days it would be nice to have a sounding board. Or a hug. And if that makes me weak or less capable... well... then I guess it just does. And if it's a grass is always greener moment, then it just is. And if it's not meant to be then I will do what I have always done: I will get through it and I will carry on until I'm no longer sad and lonely and doubtful.

1 comment:

elder sister said...

I know how you feel ive always thought two incomes would be awesome. I dont know if I can handle all the bull that comes with it. Genetically we are two very strong independent women and it would take a very very strong man to be a companion for either of us. Im not saying never but im saying when he comes along you will know it and then the new chapter in your life will start. Im thankful you found me and we will always be sisters. Im always here for you.