Being 40: I Loved a Boy

I loved a boy who loved me back once. He made me smile. He made me laugh. Butterflies flitted around in my stomach when he got close to me and then I'd melt into his hugs because they felt like home. Safety rested in his arms and  they were the one place where I felt like I belonged.

I loved a boy who loved me back once. He understood me. We talked for hours, sharing dreams, conspiring, hoping and wondering. Moving away from his gaze seemed impossible because deep inside his sparkling eyes I could see that he just... got me.

I loved a boy who loved me back once. He put me first, ahead of everything else. Being the center of his world scared me but then I made him the center of mine because we were meant to be. Life without him became unimaginable.

But one day my whole world came crashing in on me. The boy I loved no longer loved me. I cried for what seemed an eternity because I'd lost my home, my safe place, the one place where I belonged. No one understood like he did... or like he used to. I missed his eyes, his arms, his smile, the laughter.

Then I grew up. And I forgot that boy. Until I met a man who soon I grew to love. And he loved me back.

He made me smile. He made me laugh. Butterflies flitted around in my stomach when he got close to me and then I'd melt into his hugs because they felt like home. Safety rested in his arms and they were the one place where I felt like I belonged. He understood me. We talked for hours, sharing dreams, conspiring, hoping and wondering. Moving away from his gaze seemed impossible because deep inside his sparkling eyes I could see that he just... got me.  He put me first, ahead of everything else. Being the center of his world scared me but then I made him the center of mine because we were meant to be. Life without him became unimaginable.

But one day my whole world came crashing in on me. The man that I loved no longer loved me. I cried for what seemed an eternity because I'd lost my home, my safe place, the one place where I belonged. I missed his eyes, his arms, his smile, the laughter.

Then I remembered the boy. And I thought about the man. And I wondered... Were they ever really real? Or had I made them who I wanted them to be in order to find things I was too afraid to find on my own? Joy and laughter. Safety and confidence. Hope. A world in which I was the most important being.

And then I grew up. And I forgot the boy. And I forgot the man. And I became the woman I am today.