Sunday, May 07, 2006

To love or not to love...

To love or not to love… that is REALLY the question. There are those who have said that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. There are others who say that you don’t miss what you never had.

Growing up in a loving and secure environment fostered within me a desire to someday have my own family. Family has been a source of comfort at best and constancy at worst for me. Family has been like guaranteed love. It’s not without disappointment or pain. But with family, my experience has been that even in the rough times, there is a way back to loving times if you hang in there.

My experience with other relationships has not been the same. Friendship love has often been conditional. And love, or my attempts at love, with a significant other (in my case, the opposite sex) have certainly been conditional, disappointing and painful. Somewhere among the bad, there were good moments, glimmers of hope, joyful times. Those moments encouraged me to stay hopeful that one day it would all come together and I would find a life partner.

But, do you ever stop hoping? Is there a time in life when you move beyond the hope of finding your true love? I’m just wondering. I have never reached that point before but I have entered a territory that is starting to feel like that time.

A few months ago, I turned 35. Spending the remainder of my life alone is not something I would have chosen myself. However, could it be that I have been chosen for this life? Perhaps it is the love of family that is supposed to carry me. The love of my Godchildren and my nephew… The love of my parents who I talk to daily… The love of my sister, my cousins, my aunts and uncles… That’s a lot of love for which I should be and I am eternally grateful.

Some days, I want more. And I find myself struggling to understand if I am just being greedy and selfish or if I really am deficient. Have I reached my love quota? I don’t feel empty… But I don’t feel like I’ve reached capacity either. At the same time, the fear of losing again nearly convinces me to consider just being happy with what I have.

I have reached a crossroads. There are a lot of questions here. But there is one that is top of mind: to love or not to love?

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