Silence

Sometimes... silence nearly kills me. It is paralyzing. I don't know that others, especially the ones I love, realize that. Silence sends a message.

"Silence, they say, is the voice of complicity.
But silence is impossible.
Silence screams.
Silence is a message, just as doing nothing is an act.
Let who you are ring out and resonate in every word and every deed.
Yes, become who you are.
There's no sidestepping your own being or your own responsibility.
What you do is who you are.
You are your own comeuppance.
You become your own message.
You are the message."

prison writings - my life is my sun dance - leonard peltier

Knowing it and living it

Knowing something and living it are worlds apart. There are so many things that I know in my head. I may have studied it or heard it a thousand times from the people in my life or learned it the hard way. But no matter how I know it, I can't always grasp it and live it.

Tonight, I had a conversation with an old friend from college. Truthfully, he and I have gotten to know each other better in the last couple of years than we did while we were in school. He was encouraging me and reminding me that I deserve more than I have been settling for in life.

It's not that I don't know this.

I completely agree with his assessment of my likable personality. He couldn't be more right about my quick wit and great sense of humor and my intelligence and generosity. And sometimes I think I am "very pretty." But knowing all of that and living as if those qualities earn me the right to be treated like a queen is really tough for me.

Over the last week or two, I have been treated very poorly. I have never had anyone be so mean to me. Not in my whole life. But I have continued to be supportive yet honest. And I have offered encouragement and love and concern. All because it is in my nature... but somewhere in that nature, also because I believe that you reap what you sow and you SHOULD get what you give. And if you should get what you give then I should be getting someone as wonderful as I am.

But knowing it and living it.... are worlds apart.

"Tis better to have loved..."

Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Is it? Really?

Once a relationship has ended and your mind's clarity has returned and you have the ability to separate the good from the bad, there is still considerable reflection to be done. The end of a relationship is the beginning of a lot of work. It is the beginning of work to rebuild courage, trust, or self-esteem, etc. Or it is the beginning of working on being single again or finding new friends or creating new opportunities for yourself. And before you can begin that work you must reflect, in a healthy state of mind, on what worked and what didn't so you know how to proceed in life.

I find myself at, seemingly, the end of several relationships at this time. One, in particular, is very painful and CLARITY has yet to arrive. I think she might be delayed for a while as she tries to travel through the storm of emotions that are lingering overhead. But as I work through the emotion and talk to friends and try to find some semblance of sanity, I naturally look back over the last few months and examine moments and words and feelings.

A few nights ago, two of my friends drove me around the city in the car like a baby who couldn't fall asleep, trying to get the crying to stop. (Eventually, we got ice cream and that worked wonders.) As we drove, one of them turned to me and said, "Would you rather have never known him?" And I thought briefly and said, "Yes."

Right now... Today... at 1:15 on a Sunday afternoon... I can still say that I feel as if never having met him may have saved me this pain. Nevermind all the wonderful that there was. But I think it's better to never have loved and not lost...

Maybe one day the wonderful will outweigh the pain and I will change my answer.