We're Okay Until We're Not

We are ok with others as long as they believe what we believe, act how we act, live the way we live and do as we do. We don't take the time to truly understand their whys or hows. We listen. We see. But we do not understand with our hearts. 

We accept the kindness of others. We welcome their money, their friendship, their love, their generosity, their time. We dwell in their homes, find sanctuary in their presence, allow them to make us feel good. We feel their warmth, benefit from their selflessness, succeed on their backs or launch from the pads they built. 

We enjoy their humor (when it aligns with ours), we bask in the light they shine, and feed on the fruits of their labors.

We lean on their shoulders, bend their ears, engage them in our battles, find support in our weakness and encouragements in our strength.

Until...

They run out of stuff to give. They are drained. They are all used up. They decided to focus on themselves for a while or maybe put themselves first, just once.

They say something with which we disagree. They not only say it, they proclaim it, declare it, stand firm on it. They speak in a tone that we would never use. They phrase their words in a way we do not understand. They look at us in a way we perceive as "some kind of way."

They disagree with us politically or religiously. They do not meet our expectations. They err, make a mistake, make a bad decision. They sin a little too much or not enough.

We hold those things we don't like above all other things. We plant those differences in the forefront of our minds so we can dwell on them long enough to turn them into the enemy, the "unlike" us, those people. 

We do. To friends, to family, to coworkers, to strangers, to our leaders, to our pastors... We do. 

The Son

I imagine he'd be beautiful,
strong in body like his father,
strong in spirit like his mother,
strong willed like us both.

I imagine he'd be generous,
helping hands for all around him,
saving the world one by one,
making me so proud.

Of course he'd be athletic
how could he not be
following in the footsteps
of his parents?

He'd meet challenges head on
and never know a stranger.
He'd have the courage of a lion
and the heart of his mother.

He'd graduate this May
and head off somewhere to college
where he'd show the world his brilliance
and work toward his success.

And he'd return to care for me,
his aging, lonely mother
who would never be alone
thanks to the son she had conceived.

On this day more than any other, I am reminded of the child that I carried who left before I knew him but not before my hopes and dreams for him solidified. It's not his birthday or the day I lost him that stand out after 17 years, it is Mother's Day that hurts the most.

These Dreams

Years ago, while at a music conference, I attended a class on dream interpretation. What messages are you receiving in your dreams? What issues are you unknowingly wrestling with or are causing you worry? The main idea I took away from that class was that 98% of your dreams are about you, even when they seem to be about someone or something else.

My fascination with the meanings of my dreams started when I was very young and continues today. The vivid pictures conveyed in my sleep and rife with symbolism cause me to get very little sleep. I dream constantly. On average, over the last three months, I have slept about five and a half hours per night. During that time, I am in REM sleep for a little more than and hour and a half on average. It's during REM sleep that we dream.

Some nights, my dreams are like movies: long and detailed and laden with characters from childhood through my most recent interaction. Most often those dreams are about my lifelong struggle to feel accepted and loved. Sometimes, however, they are celebrations or reminders of how fortunate I have been to know such a diverse crowd of influential people.

Other nights, I dream in short vignettes that are seemingly not connected in anyway. The meanings or the messages in those dreams vary. But they are widely connected to my worries or some sort of grieving I am experiencing internally. For example, over the course of the last three years, I have had many different dreams involving one friend in particular. We were estranged over the last three years and, while the situations were always different, the ending was always the same. We would be on a trip or at the beach or out shopping and, in the end, my friend would leave me or ditch me or abandon me in a parking lot. I felt lost and intensely sad every time I awoke from one of those dreams. We have since reconciled and the dreams have stopped.

I am grateful for my sleepless nights because dreaming puts me firmly in touch with everything that's really going on in my head and my heart. I often ask God to speak to me in my dreams. I feel like that's the only time I am quiet enough to receive guidance. My dreams are the reason I just know things sometimes too. Intuition, for me, goes beyond a feeling. It is an experience that most often teaks place while I am asleep.

So, what are you dreaming about?

Dreams are the most curious asides and soliloquies of the soul. When a man recollects his dream, it is like meeting the ghost of himself. Dreams often surprise us into the strangest self-knowledge.... Dreaming is the truest confessional, and often the sharpest penance. ~Alexander Smith (1829–1867), "On Dreams and Dreaming"